Not very much. That it was a difficult place. You went into the military at a really young age and it all sounds... hard. [He pauses, then admits,] I've been reluctant to ask a lot about it because I didn't want to dredge anything up.
[He turns his hand over and works his fingers up between Rui's.]
Sorry if I get a little- worked up-
[He turns in towards Rui then and hesitates then decides ultimately to start from the beginning. First he carefully describes the titans. In particular detail, more than he would've explained otherwise. His hand leaves Rui's a few times to gesture widely and explain certain attributes about titans. The fact that they were so difficult to kill. That you could blow them up and they'd pull back together. That the only way to take them down was by slicing through the spot at the back of their necks. He explained how for a hundred years, humanity felt safe, and then how one day that all went to shit because of the Colossal Titan-
here Eren pauses for a long moment. His hands are both clenched around Rui's and his whole body is shaking. His skin has grown a bit pale and he stares across the room as he tries hard to salvage some sense of calm. Bertl.
He jars his head to the side and explains the loss of human life on that day and how the titans charged back in. It was the most he'd told anyone about his world so far, the most detailed, and for some reason, it struck Eren as important to paint the picture for Rui. He needed him to understand the devastation that titans caused humanity. The fact that they had crushed humanity to near extinction. How they killed for no reason. He wanted Rui to understand what monsters these things were.
His hands uncurled some from around Rui's hands and he slid his knuckles against the back of her hand and quietly explained how his mother was killed. Not in explicit detail, no, but he shortly stated that his mother was killed by a titan. Then- then.]
I can't talk a lot about this part. Not because I'm not allowed or- or don't want to. I literally can't remember what happened and when I try too hard I get dizzy but my dad- he did something to me- and afterward he vanished. Then I- when we finally graduated from training and became soldiers...On our first day out, my whole squad got slaughtered...ah...including me. I lost a leg and- and everything's kind of fuzzy but um. Well titans can regenerate and- and I have a leg- see?
[He kicks out the one he'd lost and dropped it back down with a thud. He stared resolutely at Rui's arm, focusing on it.]
I'm what's called a titan-shifter. I can become a titan. I- I don't know if I'm a human or...or if I'm a titan. I like to think I'm a human. But sometimes I'm not all that sure. I can become a fifteen meter titan though. Or at least I used to be able to. I can't here. I don't know. I became a beacon of hope for humanity though because of it. I could finally do something. It was the first time we even had the slightest chance of winning this war.
[Throughout Eren's entire explanation, Rui sits quietly. At first, he nods every few moments to show his attentiveness, but that eventually tapers off. The details of Eren's world are - a lot more horrific than Rui anticipated. He's gone extremely pale himself, sitting very still and feeling cold inside his cozy sweater. The idea of humanity driven into such desperate circumstances - and so many terrible things - it makes his stomach churn. It rattles thoroughly.
Then Eren says, I lost a leg, and Rui goes rigid in his seat, instinctively squeezing Eren's hand and swallowing thickly.
Next Eren is talking about what he is, and what he can do, and Rui feels almost lost, because it's kind of ludicrous. He becomes one of those things? What does that even mean, exactly? This must be why Eren was so worried about Rui himself being inhuman. So it's a worrisome thing, right? Should Rui be very worried, too? Well, he is worried, but in a myriad ways. And he finds that most of all, he's worried for Eren.]
If that's what helped you be okay, [Rui says finally, wide-eyed,] then I'm glad for it.
[Eren realizes it's a bit overwhelming. He knows that there were better ways he could have told this story, better ways he could've explained his world without making it so cruel and dark. The problem was that was exactly the kind of world he came from. He didn't know how to make it gentle or soften the extremity of the situation. It was pointless to and as much as he cared for Rui, he didn't want to land the blow of the truth any more soft.
He could have gone on to explain that he lost his arm as well and was swallowed whole by a titan but those were the parts he was fuzziest about. That and he figured that he'd made it clear enough what had happened on that battle field.
There were plenty more stories that he could have told. He didn't. He watched Rui carefully, feeling anxiety worm itself up into his gut and expand further. His response makes Eren's eyes flutter shut for a moment and he takes a deep breath.]
I would die for humanity, Rui. I- [He opens his eyes back up and he finds himself feeling comforted by his reaction to this all.]
Maybe it has helped me be okay. But I don't know what it means in the long run. No one does. It's a mystery to everyone including my superiors. They don't understand it any better than I do. I don't know if it's going to erase my humanity. I don't know how long I can control it. I've lost control before. I-...My captain was chosen for me because he was the only person entrusted to kill me if it became necessary. B-Before I came here though, to Zodion, I was actually um. I was about to be executed- I think. We'd just failed a mission. I lost another squad. And it was the mission that was supposed to prove my worth or something and- we failed- and I was gonna be taken to the military police supposedly- they only ever wanted me dead. So it helped me be okay in some ways and not so much in others. I'm a criminal to some, a savior to others, a monster to a lot- I don't know. It's. Complicated.
[Rui feels a little like a fish, with his mouth open but not knowing what to say or how to say it. At first, all he can come up with, as he clutches Eren's hand, is,] Thank you for telling me. [Because it can't be an easy thing to talk about.
Looking down at Eren's fingers, though, he runs over everything that Eren has said, even the most terrible parts. Even the things that make his stomach drop. Then he manages to meet Eren's eyes again.]
You have too much humanity to ever lose it all. [Maybe it sounds trite, but...] After listening to you talk, that's what I believe. [Rui says it with conviction.]
[Eren stares at Rui for a moment, his eyes becoming a little wet, and then he swallows a mouthful of air before he turns inward towards Rui, reaching up with one of his hands to touch the side of Rui's face, turning his so that they were looking more directly at one another.]
Thanks, Rui.
[His voice crackles a little under the pressure of his own emotions and then he leans in and their lips slide together within seconds. It's warmer than he last remembered and maybe that has to do with the revelation of everything on both their parts. Maybe it doesn't. It doesn't matter though.
[The touch and the kiss are welcome things for how they warm the frightened chill away from Rui's face. He's glad for Eren's closeness right now, even if he worries that he feels clunky when kissing, that he lacks finesse. He rationalizes that it's a normal anxiety to have when you're unused to doing something, least of all something like this, but - no, now he's getting tangled up in his overworked thought processes.
Ridiculous. He severs ties with calculations and frets for the moment, and manages to just kiss back, resting his face against Eren's hand.
Something does occur to him, though. He pulls back, though not very much, dipping his head to set his crown, cushioned by half-curls of dark hair, against the side of Eren's jaw.]
Thank you, too. It's good to be honest. And I want you to be able to tell me anything, even if it's hard. But I think there's one more thing I should tell you, since we're doing this.
[Eren leans in after Rui once he pulls back and he quickly corrects himself, leaning backwards so not to kiss Rui again. As tempting as it suddenly was. He supposed feeling close to someone would do that to you. Eren's eyes drop and he tips his head a bit, trying to look at Rui.]
Mmm? What is it?
[Mostly an innocently curious voice. He can't think of a single thing more Rui would have to tell him.]
It's, uh... It sounds really stupid. And ridiculous. Bear with me.
[God, this is going to kill the mood so hard. Rui leans back against his chair and looks up, like he's rolling his eyes.]
An alien pulled my soul out of my body. I can't believe I just said that out loud, I'm sorry. I mean, I still have a soul, I'm still human, it's just... weird. I just thought I should put that out there on the table along with everything else.
A creature from another planet. It came to our planet and decided to cause trouble. It met me one night and I haven't been able to get rid of it since. I know it sounds really outlandish. [And dumb.]
[Well....was it really so unbelievable compared to everything else he's learned about since coming here? Shit, it wasn't that much more unrealistic than giant monsters, right?
Eren frowns and he rubs at the back of his neck. Do they even make Halmark cards for 'My girlboyfriend got ate by an alien' sort of deal or what]
Oh- uh- no it doesn't. Not really I guess. Um. Does- Okay. No I don't really know what to say to all of that but you're okay right now, right?
I'm fine. I used to be able to utilize it - materialize it - but I can't do that here. It was supposed to let me help people. [Shrug. He fiddles with his fingers.] Anyway, I don't think there's anything else surprising I need to tell you. I just wanted to make sure I was being open this time. So that you can definitely trust me.
Oh...well...as long as you're okay then that's - that's all that matters, right?
[Again, he's not sure. All of it sounds so strange to him. He's pretty positive he gets it though.
Eren looks between the two of them and at Rui's fiddling fingers. He reaches out and settles both of his hands down against Rui's hands.]
It's okay. I do trust you. [More than some of his own comrades, even.] I'm sorry for uh- freaking out earlier. I'm not always good at dealing with that kind of stuff. I don't know. But we're okay, aren't we?
[Some nodding, maybe a little shy.] We're okay. [Rui's fingers curl underneath Eren's, and this time he's the one to lean forward for a kiss. Everything that Eren said still weighs on his mind, but I was about to be executed sticks out like a sore thumb. Rui hates the idea so much. Eren's world horrifies him and, selfishly, he wants Eren here and now rather than anywhere near it. How would the Crowds fare against giant monsters? Would Rui's stupid alien-granted ability be useful if he was there instead? He wants so badly for those people to be safe, but thinking about Eren being their scapegoat or sacrificial lamb makes his ribcage feel heavier. It really is naïve of him to have believed for so long that things can be accomplished without bloodshed, but all he wants to do right now is sit here and hold Eren's hand.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[He turns his hand over and works his fingers up between Rui's.]
Sorry if I get a little- worked up-
[He turns in towards Rui then and hesitates then decides ultimately to start from the beginning. First he carefully describes the titans. In particular detail, more than he would've explained otherwise. His hand leaves Rui's a few times to gesture widely and explain certain attributes about titans. The fact that they were so difficult to kill. That you could blow them up and they'd pull back together. That the only way to take them down was by slicing through the spot at the back of their necks. He explained how for a hundred years, humanity felt safe, and then how one day that all went to shit because of the Colossal Titan-
here Eren pauses for a long moment. His hands are both clenched around Rui's and his whole body is shaking. His skin has grown a bit pale and he stares across the room as he tries hard to salvage some sense of calm. Bertl.
He jars his head to the side and explains the loss of human life on that day and how the titans charged back in. It was the most he'd told anyone about his world so far, the most detailed, and for some reason, it struck Eren as important to paint the picture for Rui. He needed him to understand the devastation that titans caused humanity. The fact that they had crushed humanity to near extinction. How they killed for no reason. He wanted Rui to understand what monsters these things were.
His hands uncurled some from around Rui's hands and he slid his knuckles against the back of her hand and quietly explained how his mother was killed. Not in explicit detail, no, but he shortly stated that his mother was killed by a titan. Then- then.]
I can't talk a lot about this part. Not because I'm not allowed or- or don't want to. I literally can't remember what happened and when I try too hard I get dizzy but my dad- he did something to me- and afterward he vanished. Then I- when we finally graduated from training and became soldiers...On our first day out, my whole squad got slaughtered...ah...including me. I lost a leg and- and everything's kind of fuzzy but um. Well titans can regenerate and- and I have a leg- see?
[He kicks out the one he'd lost and dropped it back down with a thud. He stared resolutely at Rui's arm, focusing on it.]
I'm what's called a titan-shifter. I can become a titan. I- I don't know if I'm a human or...or if I'm a titan. I like to think I'm a human. But sometimes I'm not all that sure. I can become a fifteen meter titan though. Or at least I used to be able to. I can't here. I don't know. I became a beacon of hope for humanity though because of it. I could finally do something. It was the first time we even had the slightest chance of winning this war.
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Then Eren says, I lost a leg, and Rui goes rigid in his seat, instinctively squeezing Eren's hand and swallowing thickly.
Next Eren is talking about what he is, and what he can do, and Rui feels almost lost, because it's kind of ludicrous. He becomes one of those things? What does that even mean, exactly? This must be why Eren was so worried about Rui himself being inhuman. So it's a worrisome thing, right? Should Rui be very worried, too? Well, he is worried, but in a myriad ways. And he finds that most of all, he's worried for Eren.]
If that's what helped you be okay, [Rui says finally, wide-eyed,] then I'm glad for it.
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He could have gone on to explain that he lost his arm as well and was swallowed whole by a titan but those were the parts he was fuzziest about. That and he figured that he'd made it clear enough what had happened on that battle field.
There were plenty more stories that he could have told. He didn't. He watched Rui carefully, feeling anxiety worm itself up into his gut and expand further. His response makes Eren's eyes flutter shut for a moment and he takes a deep breath.]
I would die for humanity, Rui. I- [He opens his eyes back up and he finds himself feeling comforted by his reaction to this all.]
Maybe it has helped me be okay. But I don't know what it means in the long run. No one does. It's a mystery to everyone including my superiors. They don't understand it any better than I do. I don't know if it's going to erase my humanity. I don't know how long I can control it. I've lost control before. I-...My captain was chosen for me because he was the only person entrusted to kill me if it became necessary. B-Before I came here though, to Zodion, I was actually um. I was about to be executed- I think. We'd just failed a mission. I lost another squad. And it was the mission that was supposed to prove my worth or something and- we failed- and I was gonna be taken to the military police supposedly- they only ever wanted me dead. So it helped me be okay in some ways and not so much in others. I'm a criminal to some, a savior to others, a monster to a lot- I don't know. It's. Complicated.
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Looking down at Eren's fingers, though, he runs over everything that Eren has said, even the most terrible parts. Even the things that make his stomach drop. Then he manages to meet Eren's eyes again.]
You have too much humanity to ever lose it all. [Maybe it sounds trite, but...] After listening to you talk, that's what I believe. [Rui says it with conviction.]
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Thanks, Rui.
[His voice crackles a little under the pressure of his own emotions and then he leans in and their lips slide together within seconds. It's warmer than he last remembered and maybe that has to do with the revelation of everything on both their parts. Maybe it doesn't. It doesn't matter though.
He was just kind of happy to have Rui.]
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Ridiculous. He severs ties with calculations and frets for the moment, and manages to just kiss back, resting his face against Eren's hand.
Something does occur to him, though. He pulls back, though not very much, dipping his head to set his crown, cushioned by half-curls of dark hair, against the side of Eren's jaw.]
Thank you, too. It's good to be honest. And I want you to be able to tell me anything, even if it's hard. But I think there's one more thing I should tell you, since we're doing this.
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Mmm? What is it?
[Mostly an innocently curious voice. He can't think of a single thing more Rui would have to tell him.]
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[God, this is going to kill the mood so hard. Rui leans back against his chair and looks up, like he's rolling his eyes.]
An alien pulled my soul out of my body. I can't believe I just said that out loud, I'm sorry. I mean, I still have a soul, I'm still human, it's just... weird. I just thought I should put that out there on the table along with everything else.
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Wait, what?
[He's frowning a little because he doesn't..totally follow.]
What do you mean an 'alien'?
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Eren frowns and he rubs at the back of his neck. Do they even make Halmark cards for 'My
girlboyfriend got ate by an alien' sort of deal or what]Oh- uh- no it doesn't. Not really I guess. Um. Does- Okay. No I don't really know what to say to all of that but you're okay right now, right?
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[Again, he's not sure. All of it sounds so strange to him. He's pretty positive he gets it though.
Eren looks between the two of them and at Rui's fiddling fingers. He reaches out and settles both of his hands down against Rui's hands.]
It's okay. I do trust you. [More than some of his own comrades, even.] I'm sorry for uh- freaking out earlier. I'm not always good at dealing with that kind of stuff. I don't know. But we're okay, aren't we?
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