[He hangs up quickly and takes a deep breath. Was he being a dumbass? Maybe. He never had said he was good at any of this stuff though. Relationships. As he changed into his cloak, he considered Rui. Someone he cared for deeply. Adjusting his cloak, he stared down at his feet. No. It didn't really matter that Rui was a boy. Not really. It was alarming, certainly.
But Eren didn't tell Rui all of what he was either so did he even have the right to be upset? Then again, would Rui even understand if he told he- him? Eren sighed and headed on out. It was finally snowing in heavier drifts and by the time he got to Rui's, he had snow in his hair and piled somewhat onto his shoulders. He knocked at the door.]
Coming, [Rui calls from inside, and quickly finishes pouring the fresh tea. Moments later, he's opening the door, but when he looks up at Eren, he frowns.] Oh, I didn't even realize it was snowing right now. Come in. [He reaches up to make a gesture that, by Rui standards, stresses the familiarity he's come to find in Eren: he moves to dust the snow from Eren's cloak. But he pauses mid-way, realizing himself, and wonders if maybe he's out of line to do that, with all that's going on right now. He ends up looking down at Eren's feet.]
Um -
[Awkward and pink-faced, he moves aside to clear the doorway for Eren.]
Tea's been poured.
[He's still in his pajamas - shorts over leggings, that big stupid sweater - and he's now fiddling anxiously with the hems of his sleeves.]
It's only a little bit. [Eren shakes his head, snow falling from it and he looks down at Rui, watching that hand with as much anticipation as he ever had watched Rui move towards him with before. It was disappointing when the hand fell and Eren felt oddly comforted by it. His feelings for Rui hadn't changed. Not even slightly.
He rakes his fingers through his own hair to get the majority of the snow out of it as he steps into Rui's home.]
All right.
[He doesn't bother to remove his cloak and instead glances at Rui. Rui. His eyes move down instinctively between Rui's legs but he quickly looks back up. Right. Tea.
Knowing Rui's home well enough by now, Eren invites himself in further to find the tea. It smelled good and grabbing a cup for himself, he sat down.]
[Once Eren was settled, Rui followed suit, sitting across from him and taking his own steaming cup in both hands. For a moment he could only awkwardly study the tabletop. Then, though, he opened his mouth.]
I want to apologize properly. You and Alois are the first friends I've had in a really long time. Alois and I had a... disagreement. I don't want to have a disagreement with you, too.
[At the mention of Alois' name, Eren's expression darkens some and he can't resist sneering a little. That prick. But this isn't about that and Eren twists the cup of tea around on its plate.]
You're one of my first friends in a long time too.
[Mumbled.]
And you're the first person I ever felt- you know.
[He looks up from under his bangs at Rui.]
I um- don't really wanna mess it up. I don't want to lose you either as a friend or..or more.
[Slow nodding, although Rui still can't properly look at Eren's face. This sort of thing is unexpectedly difficult. It's not something he's used to having to articulate.]
I don't usually like people. No, I mean. I like people, of course, I think they have amazing potential, I think they can do so much. But I like you differently and I've never dealt with that before.
I can't be a girl for you, because that's not who I am and it doesn't work that way. But nothing about me is different. I'm still the exact same person I was before you knew I was a boy. And I wasn't trying to deceive you. It's just something I... I really like pretty things. It's like someone who likes the color green, or who likes boots or hats. When I go out, I want to look nice. But I didn't mean to make a mess of things, and I'm sorry for not being more considerate.
[Eren looks back down at his tea and his frown is reflected right back up at him. Fuck.
He really doesn't care.
He sets his teacup down and stands up from his seat. He steps around the table between them before sitting down next to Rui. He tiptoes a hand into Rui's lap, curling his fingers around his knee.]
I honestly don't give a shit if you're a boy or a girl. It was just surprising, okay? I don't want you to be a girl if that's not who you are. You don't have to defend yourself. I like the way you look. I did before and I still do right now. I just-
[He lifts his hand back up off his lap and settles his hands into his own lap.]
I just found out that one of my comrades has been- has been lying to us all through his teeth this entire time. And then my best friend kept it from me that he knew-. I think the idea of you keeping something from me was more hurtful than anything else because of all that. I just want someone I can trust again is all. And having Alois rub it in my face that he knew more about you than I did sucked too.
Alois is... going through some stuff and taking it out on other people. I'm sorry about that. On the other hand, it was probably a good thing you found out before we—
[He's not in a very forgiving mood right now. But Rui has a point and Eren stares very blatantly at the tips of his own shoes.
Yeeeeah. Sex. That thing that Eren kind of thought a lot about when it came to Rui.]
....Yeah. That- [Oops a bit red here] That's probably true considering.
[Considering how bad Eren had decided he wanted to go down on Rui but these are apart of the things he decides, wisely, not to say.
Back to the important things though. He glances up at Rui and pauses.]
I do. I mean, I wish you had told me sooner but it's not like you were keeping it from me intentionally. That's all that matters. Um. [He twists his fingers around together.] I guess since we're being honest and all. I know it's going to be hypocritical of me but I kind of- well- I- it's more because I don't really...I have something I've been - sort of keeping from you? It's more I just never knew how to tell you so-. Ah. I guess I should probably tell you.
[There's barely a pause before Rui settles his hand over the back of one of Eren's. It's more intimate a gesture than he often gives, but this is Eren. And even if they weren't doing Honesty Hour right now, Rui would earnestly listen, but he's pretty much in no position to be judgmental right now anyway, so he nods very firmly.]
If it's something you think you need to say, go ahead.
[The hand that settles over Eren's is something that instantly soothes Eren. It surprises him by how much and for a moment, he merely looks at Rui's soft hand over his own. His brows come together and he edges closer to Rui. He's not so sure where to start.]
Not very much. That it was a difficult place. You went into the military at a really young age and it all sounds... hard. [He pauses, then admits,] I've been reluctant to ask a lot about it because I didn't want to dredge anything up.
[He turns his hand over and works his fingers up between Rui's.]
Sorry if I get a little- worked up-
[He turns in towards Rui then and hesitates then decides ultimately to start from the beginning. First he carefully describes the titans. In particular detail, more than he would've explained otherwise. His hand leaves Rui's a few times to gesture widely and explain certain attributes about titans. The fact that they were so difficult to kill. That you could blow them up and they'd pull back together. That the only way to take them down was by slicing through the spot at the back of their necks. He explained how for a hundred years, humanity felt safe, and then how one day that all went to shit because of the Colossal Titan-
here Eren pauses for a long moment. His hands are both clenched around Rui's and his whole body is shaking. His skin has grown a bit pale and he stares across the room as he tries hard to salvage some sense of calm. Bertl.
He jars his head to the side and explains the loss of human life on that day and how the titans charged back in. It was the most he'd told anyone about his world so far, the most detailed, and for some reason, it struck Eren as important to paint the picture for Rui. He needed him to understand the devastation that titans caused humanity. The fact that they had crushed humanity to near extinction. How they killed for no reason. He wanted Rui to understand what monsters these things were.
His hands uncurled some from around Rui's hands and he slid his knuckles against the back of her hand and quietly explained how his mother was killed. Not in explicit detail, no, but he shortly stated that his mother was killed by a titan. Then- then.]
I can't talk a lot about this part. Not because I'm not allowed or- or don't want to. I literally can't remember what happened and when I try too hard I get dizzy but my dad- he did something to me- and afterward he vanished. Then I- when we finally graduated from training and became soldiers...On our first day out, my whole squad got slaughtered...ah...including me. I lost a leg and- and everything's kind of fuzzy but um. Well titans can regenerate and- and I have a leg- see?
[He kicks out the one he'd lost and dropped it back down with a thud. He stared resolutely at Rui's arm, focusing on it.]
I'm what's called a titan-shifter. I can become a titan. I- I don't know if I'm a human or...or if I'm a titan. I like to think I'm a human. But sometimes I'm not all that sure. I can become a fifteen meter titan though. Or at least I used to be able to. I can't here. I don't know. I became a beacon of hope for humanity though because of it. I could finally do something. It was the first time we even had the slightest chance of winning this war.
[Throughout Eren's entire explanation, Rui sits quietly. At first, he nods every few moments to show his attentiveness, but that eventually tapers off. The details of Eren's world are - a lot more horrific than Rui anticipated. He's gone extremely pale himself, sitting very still and feeling cold inside his cozy sweater. The idea of humanity driven into such desperate circumstances - and so many terrible things - it makes his stomach churn. It rattles thoroughly.
Then Eren says, I lost a leg, and Rui goes rigid in his seat, instinctively squeezing Eren's hand and swallowing thickly.
Next Eren is talking about what he is, and what he can do, and Rui feels almost lost, because it's kind of ludicrous. He becomes one of those things? What does that even mean, exactly? This must be why Eren was so worried about Rui himself being inhuman. So it's a worrisome thing, right? Should Rui be very worried, too? Well, he is worried, but in a myriad ways. And he finds that most of all, he's worried for Eren.]
If that's what helped you be okay, [Rui says finally, wide-eyed,] then I'm glad for it.
[Eren realizes it's a bit overwhelming. He knows that there were better ways he could have told this story, better ways he could've explained his world without making it so cruel and dark. The problem was that was exactly the kind of world he came from. He didn't know how to make it gentle or soften the extremity of the situation. It was pointless to and as much as he cared for Rui, he didn't want to land the blow of the truth any more soft.
He could have gone on to explain that he lost his arm as well and was swallowed whole by a titan but those were the parts he was fuzziest about. That and he figured that he'd made it clear enough what had happened on that battle field.
There were plenty more stories that he could have told. He didn't. He watched Rui carefully, feeling anxiety worm itself up into his gut and expand further. His response makes Eren's eyes flutter shut for a moment and he takes a deep breath.]
I would die for humanity, Rui. I- [He opens his eyes back up and he finds himself feeling comforted by his reaction to this all.]
Maybe it has helped me be okay. But I don't know what it means in the long run. No one does. It's a mystery to everyone including my superiors. They don't understand it any better than I do. I don't know if it's going to erase my humanity. I don't know how long I can control it. I've lost control before. I-...My captain was chosen for me because he was the only person entrusted to kill me if it became necessary. B-Before I came here though, to Zodion, I was actually um. I was about to be executed- I think. We'd just failed a mission. I lost another squad. And it was the mission that was supposed to prove my worth or something and- we failed- and I was gonna be taken to the military police supposedly- they only ever wanted me dead. So it helped me be okay in some ways and not so much in others. I'm a criminal to some, a savior to others, a monster to a lot- I don't know. It's. Complicated.
[Rui feels a little like a fish, with his mouth open but not knowing what to say or how to say it. At first, all he can come up with, as he clutches Eren's hand, is,] Thank you for telling me. [Because it can't be an easy thing to talk about.
Looking down at Eren's fingers, though, he runs over everything that Eren has said, even the most terrible parts. Even the things that make his stomach drop. Then he manages to meet Eren's eyes again.]
You have too much humanity to ever lose it all. [Maybe it sounds trite, but...] After listening to you talk, that's what I believe. [Rui says it with conviction.]
[Eren stares at Rui for a moment, his eyes becoming a little wet, and then he swallows a mouthful of air before he turns inward towards Rui, reaching up with one of his hands to touch the side of Rui's face, turning his so that they were looking more directly at one another.]
Thanks, Rui.
[His voice crackles a little under the pressure of his own emotions and then he leans in and their lips slide together within seconds. It's warmer than he last remembered and maybe that has to do with the revelation of everything on both their parts. Maybe it doesn't. It doesn't matter though.
[The touch and the kiss are welcome things for how they warm the frightened chill away from Rui's face. He's glad for Eren's closeness right now, even if he worries that he feels clunky when kissing, that he lacks finesse. He rationalizes that it's a normal anxiety to have when you're unused to doing something, least of all something like this, but - no, now he's getting tangled up in his overworked thought processes.
Ridiculous. He severs ties with calculations and frets for the moment, and manages to just kiss back, resting his face against Eren's hand.
Something does occur to him, though. He pulls back, though not very much, dipping his head to set his crown, cushioned by half-curls of dark hair, against the side of Eren's jaw.]
Thank you, too. It's good to be honest. And I want you to be able to tell me anything, even if it's hard. But I think there's one more thing I should tell you, since we're doing this.
[Eren leans in after Rui once he pulls back and he quickly corrects himself, leaning backwards so not to kiss Rui again. As tempting as it suddenly was. He supposed feeling close to someone would do that to you. Eren's eyes drop and he tips his head a bit, trying to look at Rui.]
Mmm? What is it?
[Mostly an innocently curious voice. He can't think of a single thing more Rui would have to tell him.]
It's, uh... It sounds really stupid. And ridiculous. Bear with me.
[God, this is going to kill the mood so hard. Rui leans back against his chair and looks up, like he's rolling his eyes.]
An alien pulled my soul out of my body. I can't believe I just said that out loud, I'm sorry. I mean, I still have a soul, I'm still human, it's just... weird. I just thought I should put that out there on the table along with everything else.
A creature from another planet. It came to our planet and decided to cause trouble. It met me one night and I haven't been able to get rid of it since. I know it sounds really outlandish. [And dumb.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
video
[...]
I'll have tea ready.
video -> Action
[He hangs up quickly and takes a deep breath. Was he being a dumbass? Maybe. He never had said he was good at any of this stuff though. Relationships. As he changed into his cloak, he considered Rui. Someone he cared for deeply. Adjusting his cloak, he stared down at his feet. No. It didn't really matter that Rui was a boy. Not really. It was alarming, certainly.
But Eren didn't tell Rui all of what he was either so did he even have the right to be upset? Then again, would Rui even understand if he told he- him? Eren sighed and headed on out. It was finally snowing in heavier drifts and by the time he got to Rui's, he had snow in his hair and piled somewhat onto his shoulders. He knocked at the door.]
Action
Um -
[Awkward and pink-faced, he moves aside to clear the doorway for Eren.]
Tea's been poured.
[He's still in his pajamas - shorts over leggings, that big stupid sweater - and he's now fiddling anxiously with the hems of his sleeves.]
Action
He rakes his fingers through his own hair to get the majority of the snow out of it as he steps into Rui's home.]
All right.
[He doesn't bother to remove his cloak and instead glances at Rui. Rui. His eyes move down instinctively between Rui's legs but he quickly looks back up. Right. Tea.
Knowing Rui's home well enough by now, Eren invites himself in further to find the tea. It smelled good and grabbing a cup for himself, he sat down.]
Action
I want to apologize properly. You and Alois are the first friends I've had in a really long time. Alois and I had a... disagreement. I don't want to have a disagreement with you, too.
Action
You're one of my first friends in a long time too.
[Mumbled.]
And you're the first person I ever felt- you know.
[He looks up from under his bangs at Rui.]
I um- don't really wanna mess it up. I don't want to lose you either as a friend or..or more.
Action
I don't usually like people. No, I mean. I like people, of course, I think they have amazing potential, I think they can do so much. But I like you differently and I've never dealt with that before.
I can't be a girl for you, because that's not who I am and it doesn't work that way. But nothing about me is different. I'm still the exact same person I was before you knew I was a boy. And I wasn't trying to deceive you. It's just something I... I really like pretty things. It's like someone who likes the color green, or who likes boots or hats. When I go out, I want to look nice. But I didn't mean to make a mess of things, and I'm sorry for not being more considerate.
Action
He really doesn't care.
He sets his teacup down and stands up from his seat. He steps around the table between them before sitting down next to Rui. He tiptoes a hand into Rui's lap, curling his fingers around his knee.]
I honestly don't give a shit if you're a boy or a girl. It was just surprising, okay? I don't want you to be a girl if that's not who you are. You don't have to defend yourself. I like the way you look. I did before and I still do right now. I just-
[He lifts his hand back up off his lap and settles his hands into his own lap.]
I just found out that one of my comrades has been- has been lying to us all through his teeth this entire time. And then my best friend kept it from me that he knew-. I think the idea of you keeping something from me was more hurtful than anything else because of all that. I just want someone I can trust again is all. And having Alois rub it in my face that he knew more about you than I did sucked too.
Action 1/3
Action
[SEX]
Action
I want you to be able to trust me, though. I want to be there for you through anything.
Action
[He's not in a very forgiving mood right now. But Rui has a point and Eren stares very blatantly at the tips of his own shoes.
Yeeeeah. Sex. That thing that Eren kind of thought a lot about when it came to Rui.]
....Yeah. That- [Oops a bit red here] That's probably true considering.
[Considering how bad Eren had decided he wanted to go down on Rui but these are apart of the things he decides, wisely, not to say.
Back to the important things though. He glances up at Rui and pauses.]
I do. I mean, I wish you had told me sooner but it's not like you were keeping it from me intentionally. That's all that matters. Um. [He twists his fingers around together.] I guess since we're being honest and all. I know it's going to be hypocritical of me but I kind of- well- I- it's more because I don't really...I have something I've been - sort of keeping from you? It's more I just never knew how to tell you so-. Ah. I guess I should probably tell you.
Action
If it's something you think you need to say, go ahead.
Action
What do you know about my world again?
Action
Action
[He turns his hand over and works his fingers up between Rui's.]
Sorry if I get a little- worked up-
[He turns in towards Rui then and hesitates then decides ultimately to start from the beginning. First he carefully describes the titans. In particular detail, more than he would've explained otherwise. His hand leaves Rui's a few times to gesture widely and explain certain attributes about titans. The fact that they were so difficult to kill. That you could blow them up and they'd pull back together. That the only way to take them down was by slicing through the spot at the back of their necks. He explained how for a hundred years, humanity felt safe, and then how one day that all went to shit because of the Colossal Titan-
here Eren pauses for a long moment. His hands are both clenched around Rui's and his whole body is shaking. His skin has grown a bit pale and he stares across the room as he tries hard to salvage some sense of calm. Bertl.
He jars his head to the side and explains the loss of human life on that day and how the titans charged back in. It was the most he'd told anyone about his world so far, the most detailed, and for some reason, it struck Eren as important to paint the picture for Rui. He needed him to understand the devastation that titans caused humanity. The fact that they had crushed humanity to near extinction. How they killed for no reason. He wanted Rui to understand what monsters these things were.
His hands uncurled some from around Rui's hands and he slid his knuckles against the back of her hand and quietly explained how his mother was killed. Not in explicit detail, no, but he shortly stated that his mother was killed by a titan. Then- then.]
I can't talk a lot about this part. Not because I'm not allowed or- or don't want to. I literally can't remember what happened and when I try too hard I get dizzy but my dad- he did something to me- and afterward he vanished. Then I- when we finally graduated from training and became soldiers...On our first day out, my whole squad got slaughtered...ah...including me. I lost a leg and- and everything's kind of fuzzy but um. Well titans can regenerate and- and I have a leg- see?
[He kicks out the one he'd lost and dropped it back down with a thud. He stared resolutely at Rui's arm, focusing on it.]
I'm what's called a titan-shifter. I can become a titan. I- I don't know if I'm a human or...or if I'm a titan. I like to think I'm a human. But sometimes I'm not all that sure. I can become a fifteen meter titan though. Or at least I used to be able to. I can't here. I don't know. I became a beacon of hope for humanity though because of it. I could finally do something. It was the first time we even had the slightest chance of winning this war.
Action
Then Eren says, I lost a leg, and Rui goes rigid in his seat, instinctively squeezing Eren's hand and swallowing thickly.
Next Eren is talking about what he is, and what he can do, and Rui feels almost lost, because it's kind of ludicrous. He becomes one of those things? What does that even mean, exactly? This must be why Eren was so worried about Rui himself being inhuman. So it's a worrisome thing, right? Should Rui be very worried, too? Well, he is worried, but in a myriad ways. And he finds that most of all, he's worried for Eren.]
If that's what helped you be okay, [Rui says finally, wide-eyed,] then I'm glad for it.
Action
He could have gone on to explain that he lost his arm as well and was swallowed whole by a titan but those were the parts he was fuzziest about. That and he figured that he'd made it clear enough what had happened on that battle field.
There were plenty more stories that he could have told. He didn't. He watched Rui carefully, feeling anxiety worm itself up into his gut and expand further. His response makes Eren's eyes flutter shut for a moment and he takes a deep breath.]
I would die for humanity, Rui. I- [He opens his eyes back up and he finds himself feeling comforted by his reaction to this all.]
Maybe it has helped me be okay. But I don't know what it means in the long run. No one does. It's a mystery to everyone including my superiors. They don't understand it any better than I do. I don't know if it's going to erase my humanity. I don't know how long I can control it. I've lost control before. I-...My captain was chosen for me because he was the only person entrusted to kill me if it became necessary. B-Before I came here though, to Zodion, I was actually um. I was about to be executed- I think. We'd just failed a mission. I lost another squad. And it was the mission that was supposed to prove my worth or something and- we failed- and I was gonna be taken to the military police supposedly- they only ever wanted me dead. So it helped me be okay in some ways and not so much in others. I'm a criminal to some, a savior to others, a monster to a lot- I don't know. It's. Complicated.
Action
Looking down at Eren's fingers, though, he runs over everything that Eren has said, even the most terrible parts. Even the things that make his stomach drop. Then he manages to meet Eren's eyes again.]
You have too much humanity to ever lose it all. [Maybe it sounds trite, but...] After listening to you talk, that's what I believe. [Rui says it with conviction.]
Action
Thanks, Rui.
[His voice crackles a little under the pressure of his own emotions and then he leans in and their lips slide together within seconds. It's warmer than he last remembered and maybe that has to do with the revelation of everything on both their parts. Maybe it doesn't. It doesn't matter though.
He was just kind of happy to have Rui.]
Action
Ridiculous. He severs ties with calculations and frets for the moment, and manages to just kiss back, resting his face against Eren's hand.
Something does occur to him, though. He pulls back, though not very much, dipping his head to set his crown, cushioned by half-curls of dark hair, against the side of Eren's jaw.]
Thank you, too. It's good to be honest. And I want you to be able to tell me anything, even if it's hard. But I think there's one more thing I should tell you, since we're doing this.
Action
Mmm? What is it?
[Mostly an innocently curious voice. He can't think of a single thing more Rui would have to tell him.]
Action
[God, this is going to kill the mood so hard. Rui leans back against his chair and looks up, like he's rolling his eyes.]
An alien pulled my soul out of my body. I can't believe I just said that out loud, I'm sorry. I mean, I still have a soul, I'm still human, it's just... weird. I just thought I should put that out there on the table along with everything else.
Action
Wait, what?
[He's frowning a little because he doesn't..totally follow.]
What do you mean an 'alien'?
Action
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Action
Action
Action
Action