[INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD, ALL RIGHT? Why do you think he literally made his best friend?????]
I just... I didn't... think to. I didn't think it mattered? [Because now it's very obvious that it does matter, but he doesn't quite understand the importance of it all.] I mean... I do it because I think it's nice. And then you thought it was nice too, which was... even nicer. And whenever you'd call me a girl, I didn't think to say anything because I didn't think it was all that important. I mean, even if I was a girl, I'd be the exact same person. So I thought it was fine.
[Hesitant again,] I didn't mean to... do anything wrong. Or to do anything that would upset you. I like you. I didn't think it would...
[WELL YEAH WHY DO YOU THINK EREN ONLY HAS LIKE TWO FRIENDS FROM HOME AND ONE DOESN'T EVEN COUNT CAUSE SHE'S HIS SISTER omfg Rui
Eren slowly stares up at the camera and watches Rui talk. He can see it now, he realizes. She- no- he isn't quite soft enough to be a boy. Almost. But not there entirely. Especially without the wig it's more clear to Eren.
He feels like such a moron. He slides a hand through his own hair, listening to Rui.
Rui wasn't....Eren's face softened somewhat. Rui wasn't keeping this from him to keep it from him.
He just didn't tell Eren because he didn't think to.
To Eren, that was a pretty massive difference and he slowly bobbed his head.]
Okay. Um. I'm sorry for getting mad.
[The apology is a little gruff but Eren's not good at that sort of thing. He swallows hard.]
I thought...I thought maybe you were just keeping it from me or something. Listen, Rui, I don't know what it's like where you're from but you gotta realize I come from a time a lot unlike yours. We don't even- I've never heard of a guy wearing girls clothes before. Ever. It's just a little shocking. A-And there kind of are some um- important differences between being a guy and a girl, aren't there? I mean, at least differences that'll be relevant in a relationship later on...
[He's talking about sex. His heart clenches up a bit painfully because Rui likes him. Rui's a guy- who knew Eren was a guy- and he likes Eren. Eren frowns, looking mildly concerned. When he speaks up, his voice sounds no different than a five year old asking why fire hurts.]
Crossdressing is a practice that dates back thousands of years and has been present in several cultures through the involvement of mythology, historical figures, and theater. Some have done it for work, for espionage, and for personal enjoyment. Due to [completely ridiculous] societal gender constraints, women passing themselves off as male have been more common throughout history, but male actors dressing as women were a prominent part of historical theater, and there have been plenty of men throughout history and lore who...
Sorry. When I was younger, I was called weird for it, so I read about other people who did the same thing. I don't know. Sure, there are significant differences, but...
[Rui's lecture only serves to embarrass Eren. His cheeks flush and he withdraws somewhat because...well.]
I- My family and I lived in the outermost wall a-and we...We never had the luxury of going to the theater or the time to. Th-then the titans...and...theater was the last thing on my mind.
[His tone's a little sharp. Defensive himself maybe but he just didn't know. It wasn't his fault, as far as he was concerned.]
A-and besides those are people who do it temporarily. I don't know what you mean by gender constraints- what's the difference between girls and boys? I mean- besides girls being able to be moms and all...
[He deflates again.]
I didn't mean to say you're weird or anything. It's just surprising when you've found out this whole time...
I don't know. I wasn't- no. [His nose wrinkles up a bit at the mention of religion.] No. People like that are barely ...No. I wasn't sure is all. I've never-.
[He hangs up quickly and takes a deep breath. Was he being a dumbass? Maybe. He never had said he was good at any of this stuff though. Relationships. As he changed into his cloak, he considered Rui. Someone he cared for deeply. Adjusting his cloak, he stared down at his feet. No. It didn't really matter that Rui was a boy. Not really. It was alarming, certainly.
But Eren didn't tell Rui all of what he was either so did he even have the right to be upset? Then again, would Rui even understand if he told he- him? Eren sighed and headed on out. It was finally snowing in heavier drifts and by the time he got to Rui's, he had snow in his hair and piled somewhat onto his shoulders. He knocked at the door.]
Coming, [Rui calls from inside, and quickly finishes pouring the fresh tea. Moments later, he's opening the door, but when he looks up at Eren, he frowns.] Oh, I didn't even realize it was snowing right now. Come in. [He reaches up to make a gesture that, by Rui standards, stresses the familiarity he's come to find in Eren: he moves to dust the snow from Eren's cloak. But he pauses mid-way, realizing himself, and wonders if maybe he's out of line to do that, with all that's going on right now. He ends up looking down at Eren's feet.]
Um -
[Awkward and pink-faced, he moves aside to clear the doorway for Eren.]
Tea's been poured.
[He's still in his pajamas - shorts over leggings, that big stupid sweater - and he's now fiddling anxiously with the hems of his sleeves.]
It's only a little bit. [Eren shakes his head, snow falling from it and he looks down at Rui, watching that hand with as much anticipation as he ever had watched Rui move towards him with before. It was disappointing when the hand fell and Eren felt oddly comforted by it. His feelings for Rui hadn't changed. Not even slightly.
He rakes his fingers through his own hair to get the majority of the snow out of it as he steps into Rui's home.]
All right.
[He doesn't bother to remove his cloak and instead glances at Rui. Rui. His eyes move down instinctively between Rui's legs but he quickly looks back up. Right. Tea.
Knowing Rui's home well enough by now, Eren invites himself in further to find the tea. It smelled good and grabbing a cup for himself, he sat down.]
[Once Eren was settled, Rui followed suit, sitting across from him and taking his own steaming cup in both hands. For a moment he could only awkwardly study the tabletop. Then, though, he opened his mouth.]
I want to apologize properly. You and Alois are the first friends I've had in a really long time. Alois and I had a... disagreement. I don't want to have a disagreement with you, too.
[At the mention of Alois' name, Eren's expression darkens some and he can't resist sneering a little. That prick. But this isn't about that and Eren twists the cup of tea around on its plate.]
You're one of my first friends in a long time too.
[Mumbled.]
And you're the first person I ever felt- you know.
[He looks up from under his bangs at Rui.]
I um- don't really wanna mess it up. I don't want to lose you either as a friend or..or more.
[Slow nodding, although Rui still can't properly look at Eren's face. This sort of thing is unexpectedly difficult. It's not something he's used to having to articulate.]
I don't usually like people. No, I mean. I like people, of course, I think they have amazing potential, I think they can do so much. But I like you differently and I've never dealt with that before.
I can't be a girl for you, because that's not who I am and it doesn't work that way. But nothing about me is different. I'm still the exact same person I was before you knew I was a boy. And I wasn't trying to deceive you. It's just something I... I really like pretty things. It's like someone who likes the color green, or who likes boots or hats. When I go out, I want to look nice. But I didn't mean to make a mess of things, and I'm sorry for not being more considerate.
[Eren looks back down at his tea and his frown is reflected right back up at him. Fuck.
He really doesn't care.
He sets his teacup down and stands up from his seat. He steps around the table between them before sitting down next to Rui. He tiptoes a hand into Rui's lap, curling his fingers around his knee.]
I honestly don't give a shit if you're a boy or a girl. It was just surprising, okay? I don't want you to be a girl if that's not who you are. You don't have to defend yourself. I like the way you look. I did before and I still do right now. I just-
[He lifts his hand back up off his lap and settles his hands into his own lap.]
I just found out that one of my comrades has been- has been lying to us all through his teeth this entire time. And then my best friend kept it from me that he knew-. I think the idea of you keeping something from me was more hurtful than anything else because of all that. I just want someone I can trust again is all. And having Alois rub it in my face that he knew more about you than I did sucked too.
Alois is... going through some stuff and taking it out on other people. I'm sorry about that. On the other hand, it was probably a good thing you found out before we—
[He's not in a very forgiving mood right now. But Rui has a point and Eren stares very blatantly at the tips of his own shoes.
Yeeeeah. Sex. That thing that Eren kind of thought a lot about when it came to Rui.]
....Yeah. That- [Oops a bit red here] That's probably true considering.
[Considering how bad Eren had decided he wanted to go down on Rui but these are apart of the things he decides, wisely, not to say.
Back to the important things though. He glances up at Rui and pauses.]
I do. I mean, I wish you had told me sooner but it's not like you were keeping it from me intentionally. That's all that matters. Um. [He twists his fingers around together.] I guess since we're being honest and all. I know it's going to be hypocritical of me but I kind of- well- I- it's more because I don't really...I have something I've been - sort of keeping from you? It's more I just never knew how to tell you so-. Ah. I guess I should probably tell you.
[There's barely a pause before Rui settles his hand over the back of one of Eren's. It's more intimate a gesture than he often gives, but this is Eren. And even if they weren't doing Honesty Hour right now, Rui would earnestly listen, but he's pretty much in no position to be judgmental right now anyway, so he nods very firmly.]
If it's something you think you need to say, go ahead.
[The hand that settles over Eren's is something that instantly soothes Eren. It surprises him by how much and for a moment, he merely looks at Rui's soft hand over his own. His brows come together and he edges closer to Rui. He's not so sure where to start.]
Not very much. That it was a difficult place. You went into the military at a really young age and it all sounds... hard. [He pauses, then admits,] I've been reluctant to ask a lot about it because I didn't want to dredge anything up.
[He turns his hand over and works his fingers up between Rui's.]
Sorry if I get a little- worked up-
[He turns in towards Rui then and hesitates then decides ultimately to start from the beginning. First he carefully describes the titans. In particular detail, more than he would've explained otherwise. His hand leaves Rui's a few times to gesture widely and explain certain attributes about titans. The fact that they were so difficult to kill. That you could blow them up and they'd pull back together. That the only way to take them down was by slicing through the spot at the back of their necks. He explained how for a hundred years, humanity felt safe, and then how one day that all went to shit because of the Colossal Titan-
here Eren pauses for a long moment. His hands are both clenched around Rui's and his whole body is shaking. His skin has grown a bit pale and he stares across the room as he tries hard to salvage some sense of calm. Bertl.
He jars his head to the side and explains the loss of human life on that day and how the titans charged back in. It was the most he'd told anyone about his world so far, the most detailed, and for some reason, it struck Eren as important to paint the picture for Rui. He needed him to understand the devastation that titans caused humanity. The fact that they had crushed humanity to near extinction. How they killed for no reason. He wanted Rui to understand what monsters these things were.
His hands uncurled some from around Rui's hands and he slid his knuckles against the back of her hand and quietly explained how his mother was killed. Not in explicit detail, no, but he shortly stated that his mother was killed by a titan. Then- then.]
I can't talk a lot about this part. Not because I'm not allowed or- or don't want to. I literally can't remember what happened and when I try too hard I get dizzy but my dad- he did something to me- and afterward he vanished. Then I- when we finally graduated from training and became soldiers...On our first day out, my whole squad got slaughtered...ah...including me. I lost a leg and- and everything's kind of fuzzy but um. Well titans can regenerate and- and I have a leg- see?
[He kicks out the one he'd lost and dropped it back down with a thud. He stared resolutely at Rui's arm, focusing on it.]
I'm what's called a titan-shifter. I can become a titan. I- I don't know if I'm a human or...or if I'm a titan. I like to think I'm a human. But sometimes I'm not all that sure. I can become a fifteen meter titan though. Or at least I used to be able to. I can't here. I don't know. I became a beacon of hope for humanity though because of it. I could finally do something. It was the first time we even had the slightest chance of winning this war.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Why didn't you tell me sooner?
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I just... I didn't... think to. I didn't think it mattered? [Because now it's very obvious that it does matter, but he doesn't quite understand the importance of it all.] I mean... I do it because I think it's nice. And then you thought it was nice too, which was... even nicer. And whenever you'd call me a girl, I didn't think to say anything because I didn't think it was all that important. I mean, even if I was a girl, I'd be the exact same person. So I thought it was fine.
[Hesitant again,] I didn't mean to... do anything wrong. Or to do anything that would upset you. I like you. I didn't think it would...
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Eren slowly stares up at the camera and watches Rui talk. He can see it now, he realizes. She- no- he isn't quite soft enough to be a boy. Almost. But not there entirely. Especially without the wig it's more clear to Eren.
He feels like such a moron. He slides a hand through his own hair, listening to Rui.
Rui wasn't....Eren's face softened somewhat. Rui wasn't keeping this from him to keep it from him.
He just didn't tell Eren because he didn't think to.
To Eren, that was a pretty massive difference and he slowly bobbed his head.]
Okay. Um. I'm sorry for getting mad.
[The apology is a little gruff but Eren's not good at that sort of thing. He swallows hard.]
I thought...I thought maybe you were just keeping it from me or something. Listen, Rui, I don't know what it's like where you're from but you gotta realize I come from a time a lot unlike yours. We don't even- I've never heard of a guy wearing girls clothes before. Ever. It's just a little shocking. A-And there kind of are some um- important differences between being a guy and a girl, aren't there? I mean, at least differences that'll be relevant in a relationship later on...
[He's talking about sex. His heart clenches up a bit painfully because Rui likes him. Rui's a guy- who knew Eren was a guy- and he likes Eren. Eren frowns, looking mildly concerned. When he speaks up, his voice sounds no different than a five year old asking why fire hurts.]
Can two guys even be together?
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Sorry. When I was younger, I was called weird for it, so I read about other people who did the same thing. I don't know. Sure, there are significant differences, but...
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I- My family and I lived in the outermost wall a-and we...We never had the luxury of going to the theater or the time to. Th-then the titans...and...theater was the last thing on my mind.
[His tone's a little sharp. Defensive himself maybe but he just didn't know. It wasn't his fault, as far as he was concerned.]
A-and besides those are people who do it temporarily. I don't know what you mean by gender constraints- what's the difference between girls and boys? I mean- besides girls being able to be moms and all...
[He deflates again.]
I didn't mean to say you're weird or anything. It's just surprising when you've found out this whole time...
I don't know. I wasn't- no. [His nose wrinkles up a bit at the mention of religion.] No. People like that are barely ...No. I wasn't sure is all. I've never-.
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I'm doing this wrong. Maybe this is an important discussion that we shouldn't be having over the phone.
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[...]
I'll have tea ready.
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[He hangs up quickly and takes a deep breath. Was he being a dumbass? Maybe. He never had said he was good at any of this stuff though. Relationships. As he changed into his cloak, he considered Rui. Someone he cared for deeply. Adjusting his cloak, he stared down at his feet. No. It didn't really matter that Rui was a boy. Not really. It was alarming, certainly.
But Eren didn't tell Rui all of what he was either so did he even have the right to be upset? Then again, would Rui even understand if he told he- him? Eren sighed and headed on out. It was finally snowing in heavier drifts and by the time he got to Rui's, he had snow in his hair and piled somewhat onto his shoulders. He knocked at the door.]
Action
Um -
[Awkward and pink-faced, he moves aside to clear the doorway for Eren.]
Tea's been poured.
[He's still in his pajamas - shorts over leggings, that big stupid sweater - and he's now fiddling anxiously with the hems of his sleeves.]
Action
He rakes his fingers through his own hair to get the majority of the snow out of it as he steps into Rui's home.]
All right.
[He doesn't bother to remove his cloak and instead glances at Rui. Rui. His eyes move down instinctively between Rui's legs but he quickly looks back up. Right. Tea.
Knowing Rui's home well enough by now, Eren invites himself in further to find the tea. It smelled good and grabbing a cup for himself, he sat down.]
Action
I want to apologize properly. You and Alois are the first friends I've had in a really long time. Alois and I had a... disagreement. I don't want to have a disagreement with you, too.
Action
You're one of my first friends in a long time too.
[Mumbled.]
And you're the first person I ever felt- you know.
[He looks up from under his bangs at Rui.]
I um- don't really wanna mess it up. I don't want to lose you either as a friend or..or more.
Action
I don't usually like people. No, I mean. I like people, of course, I think they have amazing potential, I think they can do so much. But I like you differently and I've never dealt with that before.
I can't be a girl for you, because that's not who I am and it doesn't work that way. But nothing about me is different. I'm still the exact same person I was before you knew I was a boy. And I wasn't trying to deceive you. It's just something I... I really like pretty things. It's like someone who likes the color green, or who likes boots or hats. When I go out, I want to look nice. But I didn't mean to make a mess of things, and I'm sorry for not being more considerate.
Action
He really doesn't care.
He sets his teacup down and stands up from his seat. He steps around the table between them before sitting down next to Rui. He tiptoes a hand into Rui's lap, curling his fingers around his knee.]
I honestly don't give a shit if you're a boy or a girl. It was just surprising, okay? I don't want you to be a girl if that's not who you are. You don't have to defend yourself. I like the way you look. I did before and I still do right now. I just-
[He lifts his hand back up off his lap and settles his hands into his own lap.]
I just found out that one of my comrades has been- has been lying to us all through his teeth this entire time. And then my best friend kept it from me that he knew-. I think the idea of you keeping something from me was more hurtful than anything else because of all that. I just want someone I can trust again is all. And having Alois rub it in my face that he knew more about you than I did sucked too.
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[SEX]
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I want you to be able to trust me, though. I want to be there for you through anything.
Action
[He's not in a very forgiving mood right now. But Rui has a point and Eren stares very blatantly at the tips of his own shoes.
Yeeeeah. Sex. That thing that Eren kind of thought a lot about when it came to Rui.]
....Yeah. That- [Oops a bit red here] That's probably true considering.
[Considering how bad Eren had decided he wanted to go down on Rui but these are apart of the things he decides, wisely, not to say.
Back to the important things though. He glances up at Rui and pauses.]
I do. I mean, I wish you had told me sooner but it's not like you were keeping it from me intentionally. That's all that matters. Um. [He twists his fingers around together.] I guess since we're being honest and all. I know it's going to be hypocritical of me but I kind of- well- I- it's more because I don't really...I have something I've been - sort of keeping from you? It's more I just never knew how to tell you so-. Ah. I guess I should probably tell you.
Action
If it's something you think you need to say, go ahead.
Action
What do you know about my world again?
Action
Action
[He turns his hand over and works his fingers up between Rui's.]
Sorry if I get a little- worked up-
[He turns in towards Rui then and hesitates then decides ultimately to start from the beginning. First he carefully describes the titans. In particular detail, more than he would've explained otherwise. His hand leaves Rui's a few times to gesture widely and explain certain attributes about titans. The fact that they were so difficult to kill. That you could blow them up and they'd pull back together. That the only way to take them down was by slicing through the spot at the back of their necks. He explained how for a hundred years, humanity felt safe, and then how one day that all went to shit because of the Colossal Titan-
here Eren pauses for a long moment. His hands are both clenched around Rui's and his whole body is shaking. His skin has grown a bit pale and he stares across the room as he tries hard to salvage some sense of calm. Bertl.
He jars his head to the side and explains the loss of human life on that day and how the titans charged back in. It was the most he'd told anyone about his world so far, the most detailed, and for some reason, it struck Eren as important to paint the picture for Rui. He needed him to understand the devastation that titans caused humanity. The fact that they had crushed humanity to near extinction. How they killed for no reason. He wanted Rui to understand what monsters these things were.
His hands uncurled some from around Rui's hands and he slid his knuckles against the back of her hand and quietly explained how his mother was killed. Not in explicit detail, no, but he shortly stated that his mother was killed by a titan. Then- then.]
I can't talk a lot about this part. Not because I'm not allowed or- or don't want to. I literally can't remember what happened and when I try too hard I get dizzy but my dad- he did something to me- and afterward he vanished. Then I- when we finally graduated from training and became soldiers...On our first day out, my whole squad got slaughtered...ah...including me. I lost a leg and- and everything's kind of fuzzy but um. Well titans can regenerate and- and I have a leg- see?
[He kicks out the one he'd lost and dropped it back down with a thud. He stared resolutely at Rui's arm, focusing on it.]
I'm what's called a titan-shifter. I can become a titan. I- I don't know if I'm a human or...or if I'm a titan. I like to think I'm a human. But sometimes I'm not all that sure. I can become a fifteen meter titan though. Or at least I used to be able to. I can't here. I don't know. I became a beacon of hope for humanity though because of it. I could finally do something. It was the first time we even had the slightest chance of winning this war.
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